Lessons from my oldest friend's journey into depression.
My oldest friend, Peter Marks, died last April. I was honored to be asked to give a eulogy at his memorial service, and in it I mentioned his three-year battle with severe depression, an illness that eventually claimed his life. |
I mentioned his depression in the eulogy because I wanted to remind everybody how joyous a man he was before he got walloped by his illness. I also wanted to remind everybody how courageous and tough he was during his fight against it. |
I didn't think I was doing anything noteworthy in mentioning depression. I didn't think I was putting out in the open anything that was hidden. I assumed we'd all gotten over any inhibitions we might have had about mentioning mental health issues. |
But afterward, many people came up to me and thanked me for being explicit about it. I realized that there is still a code of silence for some people. And I realized that a lot of people still don't know what having depression feels like. They don't know how to act around a person suffering from it. They don't know what to say. |
It occurred to me that, three years prior, when Pete first became depressed, I may have counted myself in that category of people. So I left the memorial service thinking that maybe someday I would write about Pete, and what I learned as he battled his illness. |
It took me many months until I was emotionally ready. Writing about Pete was an unexpected solace. I felt almost as if I were in his presence again. I hope that the things we learned together about depression will be helpful for others who find themselves experiencing it or accompanying someone who is. I hope it will spur policymakers to spend more on research. Plus, it was an intrinsic pleasure to be able to remember an outstanding man, to celebrate his memory and to keep that memory alive. |
I've been grateful to have the support of Pete's family as I asked them about what happened and triple-checked to get things right. I've especially admired the way they all, in their distinct ways, carry on Pete's many gifts, kindnesses and virtues. |
What Our Readers Are Saying |
These comments have been edited for length. |
As a lifelong sufferer of depression, your beautifully written article struck a chord. I lost a brother to suicide when he was in his 20s. He was smart, funny and devastatingly handsome. He adored his young son. But he was unable to shake the demons. No one can fully understand the bleakness and desperation of deep depression unless they have gone through it. |
I recently retired, after 45 years as a clinical psychologist. I found this piece to be both touching and painful. Two thoughts: 1. The reality of depression is a reminder that we simply know less about ourselves, humans, than we do about many, many phenomena in our world. The great Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung forcefully expressed his concerns about our capacity to destroy ourselves unless our self-understanding as a species improved. It hasn't. Not yet. 2. We DO have demonstrably effective treatments for depression. They are imperfect, even when delivered by experts. But we do have treatments. David points out that the mental health system is fragmented, siloed and chaotic. The U.K. once developed a project to train up thousands of psychologists in the best evidence-based therapies available. The U.S. simply does not put resources into such efforts. We CAN do better. |
Here's what we're focusing on today: |
Forward this newsletter to friends to share ideas and perspectives that will help inform their lives. They can sign up here. Do you have feedback? Email us at opiniontoday@nytimes.com. |
|
No comments:
Post a Comment