We have a little something to learn from identical twins.
 | By Michal Leibowitz Editorial Assistant |
One of the first things I noticed about the man I'd eventually marry was that he spoke in clichés. Clichéd clichés, too, the kind favored by greeting cards and motivational speakers: Absence makes the heart grow fonder; what you can believe and conceive you can achieve; teamwork makes the dream work. |
Honestly? I wasn't into it at first. |
But love is a funny thing. It will change you, if you let it. |
In a recent essay for Times Opinion, I discuss the challenges of that process — letting love change you — especially amid a culture obsessed with individual identity and self-fulfillment. So often, people fear losing themselves in love. Changes in interests, priorities or the amount of time and effort put into a career are seen as a loss of selfhood, as transformations that need to be reined in. |
The fierce desire to protect our true selves is understandable. But I've come to believe that many of us may be overcorrecting in favor of autonomy, at the expense of vulnerability and enduring connection. |
In my essay, I discuss an alternative relationship mind-set, one that views the changes wrought by love as a feature, not a bug. It's a mind-set that was modeled for me by my husband — and his identical twin. To them, the team's interests, not individual self-fulfillment, are the ultimate goal. They've let go of a little bit of "I" to make room for the "we." |
Perhaps love requires losing yourself, at least a little bit. And what if that's how we're really formed, not in the depths of our secret souls but through relationships with others? What if that's how we become who we are? |
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