Opinion Today: How would you mother if no one was looking?

Society doesn't seem quite ready to let mothers parent on their own terms.

View in browser|nytimes.com Continue reading the main story May 19, 2023 By Vanessa Mobley Op-Ed Editor Some mothers loom in the imagination and memory of their children. And some writers, like Mary Karr (daughter of Charlie Marie) or Tobias Wolff (son of Rosemary), have found a way to share their mothers — their tenderness, even their disappointment — with the world. To that memorable list of mothers I would add Elise Loehnen's mom, Elizabeth. In the essay that Elise wrote for Opinion, she introduces her to us. Elizabeth — master organizer, planner and strategist — did the work of parenting with precision and strategy. But missing from her manifest excellence was a wild sense of joy and pleasure, of doing what feels good, something that her daughter sought as a child and later as a mother herself. It might seem obvious, or maybe even ridiculous, to make a plea for allowing mothers to do the job of parenting on their own terms. But after reading Elise's acute and resonant argument, I think that as a society we aren't quite there yet. The essay that Elise wrote for us explores the tensions that can exist in mothers between having to be good and needing to be ourselves, which can even include being ambivalent about being a parent. That is just one conflict at the heart of the book that she will publish next week, "On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good." When Elise shared the idea for this essay with the editors at Opinion, we considered publishing it for Mother's Day. And yet after my colleagues and I read it, we felt it stood apart as a psychologically penetrating work of journalism that said as much about the way we live now as it did about who we are as mothers. What our readers are saying I'm holding back tears at my desk. I'm that mom. I didn't want children but had my son. Dad flaked along the way and it has been on me. Salt in a wound. But in a lot of ways easier. Somehow, I raised this really cool, independent, funny, adventurous, insanely hard working person. This person that I really like. And I actually think he likes me as a person too. I tell him, and anyone that will listen, that it's not me, it's him. I got very lucky. I think he knows I am a reluctant mom, I might have even said that at points. I have been honest that this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Great article, thank you. — Cinnamon, Cape Cod Age 52, married (for the first, and last, time) at age 48, happily, and childless by choice, with no regrets. I saw very early on that motherhood in America is not for me, and I've never understood how women there would want to sign up for it, even in progressive California where I'm from. And the only way I could feel truly liberated and emancipated was to leave the country, which I did 20 years ago. No one in Europe has ever, not once, questioned my choices but in the U.S. on visits I'm still pitied for eschewing motherhood. It's bizarre. — Elizabeth Zach, Cologne, Germany Motherhood is overrated AND my son is my favorite human. Two things can be true at once. — Cynthia, Texas Read the guest essay here and join the conversation in the comments. Illustration by Sam Whitney/The New York Times GUEST ESSAY The Lies Mothers Tell Themselves and Their Children You can love your kids deeply and hate being a mom. By Elise Loehnen Continue reading the main story ADVERTISEMENT Here's what we're focusing on today: Editors' Picks GUEST ESSAY My Daughter Was So Alive. How Can She Now Be Gone? On the particular grief of losing an adolescent child. By Sarah Wildman More From Opinion JAMELLE BOUIE The Four Freedoms, According to Republicans This is not what Franklin Roosevelt had in mind. By Jamelle Bouie MICHELLE GOLDBERG This P.T.A. 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By Naomi Cohen LETTERS A Generation of Women Named for Connie Chung Responses to an essay about Asian women named for the TV journalist. Also: The debt debate; Ron DeSantis; helping the homeless; sex exploitation in Korea. Subscribe Today New York Times Opinion curates a wide range of views, inviting rich discussion and debate that help readers analyze the world. This work is made possible with the support of subscribers. Please consider subscribing to The Times with this special offer. Continue reading the main story ADVERTISEMENT Games Here are today's Mini Crossword, Wordle and Spelling Bee. If you're in the mood to play more, find all our games here. Forward this newsletter to friends to share ideas and perspectives that will help inform their lives. They can sign up here. Do you have feedback? Email us at opiniontoday@nytimes.com. If you have questions about your Times account, delivery problems or other issues, visit our Help Page or contact The Times. 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