Many people who say they don't want to birth or parent children do have children in their lives — other people's. We rarely account for that, nor do we give full weight to the fulfillment these relationships provide.
When describing the defining factor of elections, James Carville said, "It's the economy, stupid." But between soccer moms, "family values," reproductive rights, and who is raising children and how, parenting has been central to every presidential campaign in recent memory. This election year has introduced a new character into the pageant: the woman without children. Normally shuffled off to the side as lonely, selfish, bumbling, often bitter figures, too sad to deserve the spotlight or narrative arcs of our own, we are finally getting main-character treatment. Buckle up, baby. Like the cats we are purported to prefer, women without kids have long fueled discussion in certain corners of the internet. Few things beyond cat memes set a comments section aflame like a person suggesting she is enjoying life without children. Or, conversely, that the only way to experience meaning is to have kids. The result, no doubt, of everyone, parents and nonparents alike, feeling unseen and/or unsupported in various ways. Some of this recent panic over choosing not to have children can also be attributed to declining birthrates, a nearly worldwide trend, even in countries with strong social nets. In this country, though, as I wrote for Times Opinion in May, it's difficult not to attribute at least some of this panic to the fact that women are increasingly able to determine the trajectory of their lives, outside of structures that have long benefited men. As I write in a guest essay this week, the continuing belief that not having kids means you are not invested in them, or do not take immense joy in having them in your life, is a narrow view so far from my own experience and from the experiences of many people I know as to be almost comical. If only the results of ignoring this reality weren't so serious. That there are so many ways to love and be loved feels like something to celebrate, for everyone involved.
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Saturday, September 7, 2024
Opinion Today: I don’t want kids, but I love having them in my life
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